Someone recently asked me if I ever missed my ED. Here's my response.
This is a very interesting question. When I was deep into my ED, I honestly thought, “This sucks, I’m going to be 91 and still counting calories.” I seriously could NOT see the day that I would ever stop. In my mind, it just wasn’t possible, it wasn’t a choice.
Of course, now I know that it was a choice. It was a series of tiny little choices — give myself an off day, go 50 calories over my so-called limit, go two days in a row without working out, don’t weigh myself, etc. Each one chipped away at The Spell, until one day I realized that the world didn’t blow up because I didn’t follow these rules. I didn’t die because I chose freedom. When you have an ED, your actual makeup of your body changes… your hormone levels are off, your period stops, the chemicals in your body are different, your brain is starving. All of this actually makes you believe that you are in the right, you don’t have a problem, and everyone else is fucking insane. However, the beauty in recovering is that your body and mind will actually become healthier. Your hormones will level out and your mind will become more sane with every positive little choice you made. And sooner or later, you’ll see how crazy you once were. I cannot believe I used to be that girl. I feel bad for her. I cry for her. I wasted 8 years of my life for her false notions.
With that said, I NEVER miss my eating disorder. You can never be as healthy and happy as you are in a recovered state and still have an eating disorder. This is not possible. Your entire makeup is completely different. If you go back, you won’t have your mind. You won’t be living. You’ll be a slave to this so-called control.
The one thing I’ve never lost, however, is my drive and dedication for what I want to make happen. Now I use that for things that I am passionate about — like this right here, loved ones, giving back, and following my dreams.
Dear whoever is reading this, I understand how rough things are right now. I just want to let you know that things will get better, I promise. Keep holding on just a little bit longer. I know you feel like nobody really cares. You're wrong, stop denying it. I care, otherwise I wouldn't be reblogging this. You're not alone, we may be miles away but we're all going through the same things. Please keep holding on.